“I try to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies. I try to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes. Cause boys don’t cry.” – The Cure, ‘Boys Don’t Cry’
Boys don’t cry. And certainly not men. We’re like the British. We keep a stiff upper lip. And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.
I used to cry a lot when I was a boy. And then suddenly, I didn’t. Not at all. Ever. Except for those few times I did. I remember it bothering me at some point. Why can’t I cry? I wondered. When it comes to tears, I seem to have two modes: nothing at all or absolute sobbing. Rarely anything in between.
I’m autistic, have anxiety, learning disabilities, and probably ADHD and OCD, too, but I’m working through those diagnoses at my own pace. Even though I don’t often show it, I have a lot of intense feelings. I can get overwhelmed easier than others. I have things like fidget spinners, sensory toys, lotions and scented hand sanitizers, and earplugs to help me cope. None of these coping strategies were developed or approved of until I was well into adulthood. In childhood, adolescence, and even into young adulthood, I just coped the best I could. And for the most part, I was on my own.
Fidget spinners, sensory toys, lotions and scented hand sanitizers, and earplugs to help me cope.
See, I grew up in the 80s and 90s when mental health wasn’t talked about as much, especially for boys and young men. Back then, when I thought of “mental health”, I thought of people with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder (then called manic depression) and other serious mental illnesses. It wasn’t something everyone needed, just those “crazy” people. I couldn’t see how it was important for me, too.
I didn’t tend to talk about my feelings then either. As it was, I pretty much kept to myself, living mostly in my own head. Until I was at university and saw my first therapist, it never even occurred to me to ask for help. And that only happened because I was a psychology major and was being taught the value of therapy.
Last summer, I developed extreme anxiety, culminating in a few panic attacks. After being diagnosed with panic disorder and put on medication to treat it, I suddenly became aware of the importance of my mental health. At the time, I was on my way to becoming an agoraphobic, afraid to leave my apartment because of the fear of having another panic attack in public.
Nowadays, I’m really into self-care. I have a lot better idea of what I need in order to be the best person I can be. Despite the fact that I’m sometimes accused of being cold and robotic, I’m not actually a machine. I have feelings, and I have a need for rest from time to time. I can’t do everything all at once. I need sleep, exercise, have good nutrition, stay hydrated, and for me personally, have plenty of alone time.
I’m really glad that there is more of a focus on mental health today, and that the stigma against seeing a therapist is finally dropping away. But it needs to be for men, boys and nonbinary folk as much as women and girls. That’s slowly changing, but we need to do more. All human emotions are okay for everyone to experience. Yes, indeed, boys do cry sometimes, and so do men. As is often said nowadays, it’s okay to not be okay. Not just for women, but for men as well.
All human emotions are okay for everyone to experience. Yes, indeed, boys do cry sometimes, and so do men. As is often said nowadays, it’s okay to not be okay. Not just for women, but for men as well.
Today, I’m learning to be more open about my feelings, and to recognize them. I probably have a mild to moderate case of Alexithymia (emotion blindness), so I’m trying to track my feelings over time in order to learn more about them. I’m learning about self-care, and having fun with that. I’ve bought a weighted blanket and other items that help me de-stress. I’m learning to ask for help, not just from professionals, but friends and family as well. I’m learning to allow myself to be more vulnerable. Anyone who would be critical or make fun of me just for being human doesn’t matter and I won’t pay them any mind anymore. I’m slowly learning to ask for what I want and need, instead of assuming my needs and wants don’t matter.
As Master Yoda would say, I’m unlearning what I have learned. It’s not easy. I’m having a hard time getting over my early programming. Things like “boys don’t cry” and “suck it up” and “be tough” were actually not good advice.
Now I’m not saying there aren’t times when holding in your feelings isn’t appropriate. If you’re a first responder, for example, controlling your emotions is a job requirement. At some point, though, you do need to talk about it. You’re not a machine.
I may try to laugh about it, but there’s no need to cover it all up with lies. I may try to laugh about it, but why cover the tears in my eyes? Cause boys do cry.
